This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
