When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
