I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
