Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
