I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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