I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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