At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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