Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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