I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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