i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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