You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
