I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
