You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
