Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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