If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
