She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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