my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i love accidental penises.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
