My liver just broke up with me...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Are we still banned from the library?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
