Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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