At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
