Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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