Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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