She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
