I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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