My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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