Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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