im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
jump out the window naked night went bad
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
