just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
