A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
