A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
