so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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