A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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