I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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