I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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