This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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