I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
