it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
