i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
