she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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