piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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