I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
