my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We need to rekindle our bromance
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
