Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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