I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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