she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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