I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
