Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
a search helicopter?!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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