I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
