I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
