It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
